In Soviet Russia, Nets New Jersey You!

September 24, 2009

Mikhail Prokhorov will more than likely become the newest owner of an NBA team, offering $200 million for 80% of the New Jersey Nets team, 45% of the new Barclays Center, and the right to buy up to 20% of the company which is developing the area surrounding the stadium for retail and residential uses. The NBA will review the deal, and if 75% of the board of governors approve, then the deal will go through. If approved, Mikhail will become the first foreigner to hold a majority stake in an NBA team.

Some fun facts about Mr. Prokhorov:

  • He is Russia’s richest man, with an estimated wealth of approximately $9.5 billion. He gained most of his wealth by acquiring numerous contracts from the Russian government after they became a capitalist nation. Moral of the story: if you want to become rich, make deals immediately after a control economy becomes a capitalist one.
  • He was held in Paris, France for questioning in connection with a prostitution investigation. According to a CBSSports.com article about the deal, he was “never charged.” I believe this is journalistic code for “he definitely was involved with some prostitutes in Paris and paid off the police.” In America, spending four days in Paris is nothing extravagant. There might even be other men in Paris during those four days. According to a statistic I just made up, 74% of all American men have been in Paris, but none of them regret spending so much time in Paris until their crotch starts burning a few days later.
  • Mikhail is noted for his “gorgeous entourage,” which goes to show that post-Soviet Russia has good artistic taste.
    Not even half as annoying as Jeremy Piven.

    Not even half as annoying as Jeremy Piven.

    The more gorgeous, Russian version of the show does not feature Jeremy Piven, who was digitally replaced by the significantly more likable Jar-Jar Binks.

What possible changes or news items might we see now that Prokhorov has all but assured control in the Nets? I’ve come up with the following list:

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