In Soviet Russia, Nets New Jersey You!

Mikhail Prokhorov will more than likely become the newest owner of an NBA team, offering $200 million for 80% of the New Jersey Nets team, 45% of the new Barclays Center, and the right to buy up to 20% of the company which is developing the area surrounding the stadium for retail and residential uses. The NBA will review the deal, and if 75% of the board of governors approve, then the deal will go through. If approved, Mikhail will become the first foreigner to hold a majority stake in an NBA team.

Some fun facts about Mr. Prokhorov:

  • He is Russia’s richest man, with an estimated wealth of approximately $9.5 billion. He gained most of his wealth by acquiring numerous contracts from the Russian government after they became a capitalist nation. Moral of the story: if you want to become rich, make deals immediately after a control economy becomes a capitalist one.
  • He was held in Paris, France for questioning in connection with a prostitution investigation. According to a CBSSports.com article about the deal, he was “never charged.” I believe this is journalistic code for “he definitely was involved with some prostitutes in Paris and paid off the police.” In America, spending four days in Paris is nothing extravagant. There might even be other men in Paris during those four days. According to a statistic I just made up, 74% of all American men have been in Paris, but none of them regret spending so much time in Paris until their crotch starts burning a few days later.
  • Mikhail is noted for his “gorgeous entourage,” which goes to show that post-Soviet Russia has good artistic taste.
    Not even half as annoying as Jeremy Piven.

    Not even half as annoying as Jeremy Piven.

    The more gorgeous, Russian version of the show does not feature Jeremy Piven, who was digitally replaced by the significantly more likable Jar-Jar Binks.

What possible changes or news items might we see now that Prokhorov has all but assured control in the Nets? I’ve come up with the following list:

  1. Mark Cuban will make a fool of himself. In the aforementioned CBSSports.com article, Mark Cuban gave enthusiastic approval to the deal, and was quoted as saying:
  2. Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, too, is ready to welcome Prokhorov to the NBA…. I took Russian in high school, so it will give me a chance to refresh.”

    I have a feeling that in an attempted communication between owners, Cuban will accidentally sell the Dallas Mavericks for three bottles of Stolichnaya vodka, a Russian nesting doll manufactured in China, and Maria Sharapova.

    Look, it's Devin Harris inside Josh Howard inside Jason Terry inside Jerry Stackhouse inside Dirk Nowitzki!

    Look, it's Devin Harris inside Josh Howard inside Jason Terry inside Jerry Stackhouse inside Dirk Nowitzki!

    Alternatively, Prokhorov might think that Mark Cuban is a representative of the country of Cuba, and will attempt to conduct military transactions between the two of them.

  3. The Nets will now be called the Nyets. I’ve done a mock-up of New Jersey’s new jerseys, should the name change. I don’t know about you, but I think I prefer the new jerseys of New Jersey than the newest jerseys of New Jersey, which omitted the “New Jersey” from their newest jerseys, which caused quite a controversy about the new jerseys.

    Rafer Alston's new jersey in New Jersey if the Nets become the Nyets.

    Rafer Alston's new jersey in New Jersey if the Nets become the Nyets.

  4. An exponential increase in “Russian Reversal” jokes on SportsCenter. Everyone knows what a “Russian Reversal” joke is, or at least, if they aren’t familiar with the term, they have heard one. The title of this post is a Russian Reversal. To learn more about the history of this type of joke, check out its article on Know Your Meme. Not that there are many opportunities to make them currently, considering that there is only one Russian player in the entire league. Maybe I’m hoping for too much.

In America, you read our blog. In Soviet Russia, our blog reads YOU!

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One Response to In Soviet Russia, Nets New Jersey You!

  1. […] jury is still out on the Nets off-season moves but with the looming sale of the franchise to Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov, the team may struggle to focus on basketball. Ownership widgets aside, the New Jersey lineup shows […]

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