We (The Custodian, The Franchise, The Freelancer) are at The Champ’s house. The following will be an approximate representation of what happened.
8:11 PM: Discussing the virtues of having Shaq on the Cleveland Cavaliers with The Franchise. He thinks he is the only one who has doubts about Shaq with the Cavs, but The Freelancer reassures him that he is not alone.
8:12 PM: The Champ wants to “put money” on Curry going to the Knicks with #8 pick in the draft.
8:15 PM: The Champ and The Franchise love Kevin Durant.
8:16 PM: Curry to the Warriors. “The Knicks got robbed.” The Champ claims that the Knicks’ plan is entirely ruined with the Warriors’ pick.
8:19 PM: The room is treated to a Champ gun show.
8:21 PM: Jordan Hill to the Knicks. “Holy cow, he’s huge.” “I can see this guy being good.”
8:24 PM: Jordan Hill = Donté Stallworth? You be the judge:
8:27 PM: The Franchise claims that The Freelancer could have been DeMar DeRozen. Agree to disagree.
8:33 PM: Brandon Jennings from Compton to Italy to Milwaukee. The Freelancer thinks he should have stayed in Italy, where the women don’t look like this:
8:34 PM: Puzzle pieces: real or fake? The Champ maintains they are CGI, everyone else disagrees.
8:38 PM: Terrence Williams to the New Jersey Nets. Audible groan from The Franchise.
8:45 PM: “Unexpected” pick Gerald Henderson to Bobcats at #11. Disbelief from The Champ.
8:47 PM: The Freelancer asks, “Is that reporter a quadriplegic?” Maybe there’s a trap door or something. Or is she a member of the Lollipop Guild?
8:50 PM: Hansbrough at #13 to the Pacers. The Champ thinks he is being kidded. The Franchise says that the Pacers need the defense.
8:54 PM: Here comes the Suns… pick.
8:55 PM: Applause at the sight of the Shaq trade on ESPN’s coverage.
8:56 PM: Suns select Earl Clark. Brandon Jennings comes on stage instead of him. Confusion in the room. One person thinks the Suns traded Earl Clark for Brandon Jennings. Way to go Commissioner Stern for confusing us all. Fans at the draft in New York don’t know how to respond.
8:58 PM: Where the hell did Jennings go for four picks? Some suggestions of where he might have gone:
- Buy a Green Bay cheese head
- Getting a haircut, “flattening his flat top.”
9:00 PM: The TV automatically changes the channel to record “Burn Notice.” No one knows what to do. The Champ is playing the piano.
9:02 PM: Burn Notice is still on. The Champ is still playing the piano.
9:03 PM: The Champ is ignoring desperate pleas for help with the remotes.
9:04 PM: The DVR is awfully programmed. It was recording Burn Notice on both USA HD and USA proper.
9:05 PM: TV is back on the draft. Austin Daye to the Pistons, apparently. No one has any idea who he is.
9:07 PM: “Where is Xavier located?” Answer: Cincinnati. Some people forget that it is an Ohio school.
9:08 PM: Now melodica playing by The Champ. What the hell is wrong with this draft? James Johnson goes to the Bulls with #16.
9:10 PM: 76ers on the clock, replete with new retro logo. There might be a post about retro logos in the future. Stay tuned.
9:12 PM: 76ers select Jrue Holiday from UCLA sucks. The Freelancer apologizes, but the “sucks” is a requirement for USC students after writing/saying/whispering/semaphore-ing/shouting “UCLA.”
9:16 PM: The Custodian has bed sheets with old NBA logos on them. Not only does he eat and breathes basketball, he apparently sleeps in basketball, as well.
9:21 PM: Minnesota selects Ty Lawson at #18. It might be traded to the Nuggets? Who knows? The Champ is still flexing his musical muscles.
9:23 PM: Hawks pick Jeff Teague. The Champ responds by playing louder on the piano. The Freelancer is getting closer and closer to going insane. Everyone agrees that he plays the songs far too fast to be enjoyable.
9:26 PM: The Champ is sweating after an intense piano playing session. The Champ also “destroys some poor person’s drink,” reports The Custodian.
9:28 PM: Eric Maynor to the Utah Jazz. VIRGINIA COMMONWEALTH POWER!
9:42 PM: Shaq interview with ESPN. He has not communicated verbally with LeBron, but has done so mentally. The Cavs will have a good season if Shaq-Bron telepathy is a reality.
9:45 PM: Jews in New York excited. Exploding bagels. Now Omri Casspi is the only Jew in Sacramento. Omri Casspi might be the first person from Israel to play in the NBA, attempting to prove this wrong.
9:54 PM: The Champ thinks Slamball is “effing awesome.” Others disagree: “You know why Slamball doesn’t exist? BECAUSE A GUY DIED PLAYING IT!”
9:58 PM: No evidence can be found to support this claim. However, we’re still certain someone has at least been paralyzed, if not death.
9:59 PM: Bulls “reshape team” with Taj Gibson from USC. “New ugliest player in the NBA,” says one person here.
10:06 PM: DeMarre Carroll to Memphis. The Champ claims he needs a liver transplant. We have no idea what this means. The Champ is very fickle.
10:10 PM: Not only is The Champ fickle, he is now tickling the ivories for the second time tonight, effectively drowning out the volume of the TV. Way to go, Champ.
10:11 PM: Speaking of ivory tickling, Wayne “Not Duke” Ellington is selected #28 by Minnesota, their fourth pick in the first round. Lakers on the clock.
10:22 PM: The room erupts in laughter after Christian Eyenga. ESPN stat guys are flummoxed. The Custodian comments that ESPN is lucky that they have the tape. The Freelancer states that the two seconds of video footage ESPN had was probably ripped off a VHS tape with half an episode of Cold Case on it.
10:25 PM: Huge argument erupts over which eye is Stuart Scott’s glass eye.
10:28 PM: What’s the past tense of “genocide?” The Freelancer suggests that Christian’s parents were probably murdered and buried in a soccer field, à la The International.
10:30 PM: Famous exports from Congo, according to Wikipedia: oil, lumber, plywood, sugar, cocoa, coffee, diamonds. They also produce tapioca, rice, corn, and peanuts. And the 2009 first-round pick of the Cavaliers.
10:40 PM: For those that don’t know, The Republic of Congo is located here:
10:42 PM: The Freelancer really doesn’t care about the Second Round.
10:45 PM: Eyenga’s photo that ESPN had looks like it was ripped from his Myspace page. Or from the FBI page profiling Nigerian e-mail scammers.
10:51 PM: DeJuan Blair goes to the Spurs. The Champ is nearly as crushed as the time he threatened to destroy The Franchise’s lamp after Big Brown lost the third leg of the Triple Crown after they bought T-shirts bearing his likeness.
10:54 PM: Surprise registered by The Champ at the Ty Lawson trade. The Custodian knew it beforehand, though.
11:00 PM: OBLIGATORY 11:00 BEARD BREAK:
11:15 PM: BEARD UPDATE EXTRAVAGANZA:
11:21 PM: Cavs take Danny Green. He is not from an African nation, to the best of our knowledge.
11:40 PM: The Champ’s dog starts pseudo-barking. The Champ is wary of silencing the dog, but eventually obliges.
11:41 PM: The Champ’s dog is now dead.
11:42 PM: The Freelancer immediately rescinds the last joke. But you can’t RESCIND ANYTHING ON A LIVE BLOG! Woe is me!
11:44 PM: “If the Deputy of the NBA announces the second-round picks, does that make David Stern the Sheriff because he announced the first-round picks?”
11:46 PM: “chamber346 on ESPN is an expert.” If he ever starts blogging, Paints in the Point could be in grave danger.
11:50 PM: scorpionking50 is a genius. Watch out, world.
11:52 PM: Best first question for the newest Cleveland Cavalier Christian Eyenga: “Which is worse: Cleveland or Congo?”
11:55 PM: As soon as we get a press pass, we’ll ask that question.
12:00 AM: It’s Friday. Thought for the day: “Is Shaq bulimic?”
12:07 AM: The last pick belongs to the Heat, select Robert Dozier.
12:08 AM: It’s been real. Play us off, 16-bit Keyboard Cat!